GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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