hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
