she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
