So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
