my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Also, beer. Big fan.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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