tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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