all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
