I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Found your dick twin last night
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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