cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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