yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
