i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
