Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
