I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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