pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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