I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
