I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
