never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
