Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
