So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
