Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
