He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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