I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
