Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
