I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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