if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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