That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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