Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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