operation have a gay friend backfired
Princesses don't give blow jobs
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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