I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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