I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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