Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
