in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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