can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
