I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
