i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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