You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
