Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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