she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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