This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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