people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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