Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
