i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
