I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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