ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have aggressive nipples.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
