if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
