Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
