idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
