I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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