I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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