my text book just quoted the cookie monster
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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